Most expensive bog roll on the planet

PUBLISHED: 15:38 12 August 2006 | UPDATED: 09:34 14 September 2010

The Man would like to see a new law introduced. The new legislation would outlaw anyone under the age of 60 from writing an autobiography.

How can someone who has not even turned thirty have done enough to fill a book? The back of a fag packet maybe, but not 300 pages.

The Man would like to see a new law introduced. The new legislation would outlaw anyone under the age of 60 from writing an autobiography.

How can someone who has not even turned thirty have done enough to fill a book? The back of a fag packet maybe, but not 300 pages. Frank Lampard (28) and Ashley Cole (25) have both seen fit to inflict the details of their extraordinary existences upon the general public this summer. OK, they have achieved more than your average overpaid footballer, but come off it! Does a Premiership title and a success-free England career really require chronicling at this stage?

I dare say quite a few unsuspecting fans will end up with these literary masterpieces under the Christmas tree this year - the most expensive bog roll on the planet.

The Man wonders if Lampard's opus includes a chapter headed: “My awful performances at the World Cup”; or whether Cole's contains the volume: “Why I'm a greedy b*****d”. I hazard a guess they do not.

. . . . .

Who says lightning does not strike twice? Or in Malky Mackay's case: three times.

The Man's heart went out to our ex-warrior this week with news Watford had hijacked West Brom's deal to sign defender Danny Shittu from QPR (Imagine that - having a deal hijacked by Watford! The humiliation.)

Anyways, I'm assuming Mr Shittu's arrival at rundown Vicarage Road means Mr Mackay being relegated to the bench again.

What does this man have to do to get a game in the Premiership? Poor sod.

. . . . .

There is no doubt about it, The Man likes the cut of Lee Croft's gib. He has already added much-needed balance and enthusiasm to the side: well done Worthy, he appears to be a good signing.

However, since his picture appeared in the paper I have been left with an uneasy feeling that I have seen him before. It was not through playing for Man City, thought The Man - it was somewhere else.

And then it came to me, that's where I have seen him, on ITV's “I'm a celebrity - get me out of here!” As far as The Man is concerned, LC is a dead ringer for ex-Blue vocalist Anthony Costa.

Let's just hope that in a few months he is not saying: “I'm a good footballer - get me out of here!” - a Dean Ashton phrase from last term. Those people that say Crofty actually looks more like Tyrone Dobbs from Coronation Street are wide of the mark, in The Man's opinion.

. . . . .

WHO was Delia referring to when she answered a question at a prominent supporters' club meeting last week? Lady Smith said: “Last season was dire and “X” knows he is on borrowed time.” The Man was not there, but I am guessing she was not talking about the kit man…

. . . . .

Sicty-five minutes gone against Preston, a voice from over The Man's shoulder yells (perhaps with irony): “Stop messing about with it City - hoof it up there.” The Man - along with a few others in the vicinity - afforded himself a chuckle.

Poor old Worthy, he spends the summer constructing tactics to make us pass the ball, and now fans are getting on his back for not being direct enough. Such is football, but I'm sure there was not a fan at the game on Tuesday who was not pleased with the performance.

The Man is not going to go overboard with the praise, because one swallow certainly does not make Gillian Taylforth, but there were very promising signs. It all started at Leeds.

Due to work, ill-fortune and a lack of desire to see us get beat, The Man has not seen us win away for more than two years: although during that period I have still been to about 20 away games.

Basically, not only am I not used to us scoring away from home, I'm not even used to us creating chances. Therefore, The Man sat at Elland Road in the first half rather bemused by what was unfolding in front of him.

They couldn't get the ball off us and we were creating clear cut chances at will. But then they scored…

The Man is as convinced as the players that on any other day we'd have won that game: but the simple truth is we didn't. It is essential the malaise away from Carrow Road gets sorted - and sorted quickly. That means going to Derby and winning: simple as that. No settling for a draw, let's win it: they've only got that donkey Howard up front anyway.

We'll always win a decent chunk of games at home, for which credit has to be handed to Worthington, but it is away from home that things have to be resolved.

We shall see; in this brave new dawn of “pretty football” (I'm sure someone said that didn't work in the Championship?), anything could be possible.

One thing is for sure, it's just good to be looking forward to going to games again, and injuries permitting, we have got half a chance this season.

. . . . .

The Man likes Norwich North MP Ian Gibson. He sits in the Lower Barclay, and he always sticks up for the Fine City. However, what a naughty boy Gibbo has been this week.

He described residents of Norfolk as “quite inbred” in an article searching for the reasons for a high rate of diabetes in the county.

So not only have we got opposition fans taunting us for being a bunch of hillbillies, now even one of our MPs is at it. It's all relative I guess (snigger), but The Man would hope for better from an experienced politician.

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